I dn't know whether I should be laughing or crying.
bahah this is what happens every time.
so honestly i was expecting it.
but every time it happens you still think maybe this time is different.
but again this just proves me right, this is just another reason why.
it makes me so sad when i'm told it's unreasonable or pessimistic that I keep to myself so much and don't let people in.
and then when i do, they just walk out of my life like it's nothing, like nothing ever fucking happened.
they forget about me, they erase me from their lives, they move on without me.
throwing me a little 'sorry' isn't going to fix the fuckin problem.
yeah, i'm a pessimist.
but i have some pretty fucking good reasons to be.
i just don't know what to do anymore.
but i've learned to deal,
i've had to or i'd be insane by now.
honestly sometimes i think i'm slipping, i honestly think i'm starting to lose it
piece by piece.
i search so hard for something to hold on to, something to anchor me down
but there's nothing there.
every time i think i may have found it, it slips away, right through my fingers.
i need something strong, something safe to grasp onto
something to keep me alive.
but ofcourse i'm okay, why wouldn't i be?
whoever said keeping things inside doesn't work is a dumbshit,
i've been doing it for this long, i can keep going.
noone cares enough to take the time to find things out,
everyone gets fed up with me eventually.
and if you even care the littlest bit,
well dear god you're definitely fucking terrible at showing it.
the more hopeful i get, the harder i fight back.
every time i start to feel hopeful, i get let down,
i get disappointed, I get proven right once again.
so i've learned to protect myself,
to put these walls up, to stop myself from going through it again.
once in a while i slip up, but i'm learning each time,
i'm getting stronger, i'm getting
colder.
because i've learned that it's not worth it,
not worth the stress, not worth the disappointed, not worth the pain.
it's not like i don't already have enough on my plate,
not like i dn't already have enough shit to deal with.
the little fleeting happiness isn't worth
getting crushed down again in the end,
EVERY
SINGLE
FUCKING
TIME.
I can't control this.
but i can lie,
to myself, to everyone.
I can live a lie.
i've been doing it for 14 years.
i'll sit there and pretend i'm okay,
and people will know something's wrong,
but they won't give enough of a fuck to spend more than a minute at most thinking about it.
just keep my motherfucking mouth shut,
in the end everyone's happy.
i'm constantly surprised at what a good actor i actually am,
i'm scared sometimes to think that no one has a single fucking clue AT ALL,
that if i'm desperate enough sometimes I can even convince myself that i'm okay.
but nights when i step out to get away and try to sort things out,
i'll sit in the grass and cry my fucking heart out.
and in that pain i'll get a little comfort in knowing that i'm not yet completely dead.
and then i'll feel an angry satisfaction to know that soon i will be,
and didn't you bring this on yourself?
cos you let those walls down, when you knew you shouldn't have,
but it just felt so right, didnt it?
well this is what you get.
it's tough love, but you'll know better next time, wont you?
Your fingertips across my skin,
the palm trees swaying in the wind,
images.
you sang me spanish lullabies, the sweetest sadness in your eyes,
clever trick.
i never wanna see you unhappy,
i thought you want the same for me..
goodbye my almost lover,
goodbye my hopeless dream,
I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be.
so long, my luckless romance, my back has turned on you,
should I know you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do.
we walked along a crowded street, you took my hand and danced with me,
images.
and when you left you kissed my lips, you told me you'd never let forget these images.
i cannot go the ocean, i cannot try the streets at night, i cannot wake up in the morning, without you on my mind,
so you're gone and i'm haunted, and i bet you are just fine.
did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life.
ohmygod, don't fail me now, you're all i've got.
I need something to live for.
i need something i can completely throw myself into and forget about everything.
italy must be gorgeous.
it seems i can't wait until summer now,
can't wait to get out of this fuckin shithole.
people should stop asking if something's wrong if they don't actually give a fuck.
there's still people i would stand by through anything,
people i'd die for in a heartbeat.
but there's still no one who knows me completely, better than i know myself.
and that's not even saying alot cos sometimes I'll look in the mirror and not recognize who i'm seeing for a split second,
i'll feel like a completely stranger to myself.
and i'm getting more + more convinced there never will be.
i'm not eating anymore, swear to fuckin god.
i'm gunna run every morning too.
i hope one day i break my leg and fall into the pond and drown and no one finds me.
wouldn't everybody be happier then, haha.
someone please fuckin help me.
every so often there's the song that makes me shiver,
the song that mesmerizes me,
maybe even the song that makes me cry.
it seems like the last couple years, my life's just been a series of these.
it's a broken rollercoaster, with its occasional ups
but generally heading down,
down,
down,
spiralling out of fucking control.
and what chills me to the bone
is that there's nothing I can do about it,
nothing anybody can do about it.
this rollercoaster is doomed to crash,
rockbottom.
i've been sitting here forever trying to decide whether or not i'll change my status.
+ idk what came over me but i did before i could stop myself and i guess it's done now.
guess i'm not gunna be seeing the notebook anytime soon.
..
(:
look ma, a smile.
i'm a'o-fucking-kay.
PS. Jenna, Thom + baby:
please, im begging you, stay strong, stay together, stay happy.
i love you all.
you still give me hope, and you put a smile on my face when i see you so happy together.
it seems you're the rare few who've found true love.
♥
PPS: boy i'm drinking with nxt friday:
ily.
haha. (:
gunna be so sweet, especially now. ;D
btw, i'm not asking for anyone's sympathy.
i personally know alot of kids out there have it so much harder.
i just wanted someone to love, y'know?
but certain people should really get their heads out of their asses and stop being so selfish and take a look around,
maybe think about others once in a while.
the world doesn't revolve around you.
maybe notice how your friends are for a change,
instead of going on about how good your fucking day was and telling me every detail I dn't wanna hear.
bcos someone else might be having one of the worst days of their lives, and mybe a hug or a smile would help.
